Confessions

I lied when I said I didn't care ..
I lied when I said I am better off ..

I admit that I waited ..
and waited for a sign from you ..
a call ..
or a message ..
until I got one today ..
your name appeared on my screen ..
and all I could think of was .. its over ..
although it barely began ..

you said that you wanted to be with me ..
but you cant.. that things are complicated ..
I didn't know what to reply ..
I stood there with silence ..
I couldn't form any sentences or words ..

I replied ..with a short sentence ..
Good luck in everything ..
and goodbye ..

I have never felt so cold or numb in my life..
but I didn't know what to say or do ..

I  still open my phone almost everyday ..
and just look at your name ..
It gives me some weird and good feeling that I can't describe in words..

you are thousand of miles away now ..
I just wish things were different ..
cause I would be with you now ..
and everything would have been different ..

farewell .. 

Mystified

just when I thought that hope found its way back to me ..

just when I thought that its finally time to move on and look ahead ..

just when I thought that my prayers were answered ..

and I no longer have to feel alone anymore ..

that my dark nights are over ..

those sleepless nights when I just wait for you to show up ..

when I hear a voice in my head that says .. your pain will heal one special day ..

I started to get my strength back again ..

and as you came along ..I wasn't sure if I was happy or numb ..

I felt a small amount of joy .. but my heart didn't feel a thing ..

your presence brought me happiness ..

I wanted to tell my heart to open itself and start to feel something .. something called emotion ..

but nothing ..

nothing at all ..

You came along , and I wanted to convince myself to let go of the past ..

and just focus on the fact that you are here .. right in front of me ..

you looked into my eyes ..and for a second I felt something ..

as if you looked into my soul ..

we sat that day .. and talked for hours , laughed and talked about everything ..

how I opened up to you ..

as If I knew you for ages ..

I don't know how I felt , but it was a good feeling ..

but I wasn't dancing with that brown skirt I wore for you ..

I went home .. took it off and looked into the mirror ..

whats wrong with me?? why don't I feel a thing ??

I thought that after I see you ..

I would want to run away with you ..

and leave everything behind ..

but no ..

I didn't feel a thing ..

you didn't call after that ..

or even send a text ..

you left me with nothing at all ..how could you ?!!? 

and now .. I feel so lost ..

I feel that I lost you ..

but how can I lose something that I never had ?

I feel that I am never going to see you again ..

did I push you away ??

did I say something wrong ??

I don't know what on earth  happened ..cause I am sure I didn't do a thing !

but every time I enter my car and put a song on ..

tears come to my eyes ..

but they don't come down ..

as if they don't know if they should cry from sadness ..

or just tolerate the pain ..

you cant just walk away and leave me with nothing !
you cant just leave me hanging waiting for your call ..
that's so unfair ..
I gave you all my trust .. and this is what you do ?
I am so thankful that my heart didn't feel a thing for you !

I sit here on my couch ..

imagining how things would have been if I was with you now..

but ..

I need to stop ..

and move on ..

its what my heart is getting used to now ..

getting hurt , healing , moving on ..

until that time comes ..when I meet that special someone ..

my heart will feel nothing at all ..

cover itself with layers ..

Until that someone comes along ..and it will reveal everything..

and take off every single layer ..

and hold them inside ..

forever ..

Saja's Writings 

My Addiction

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZ312RxA980

One Phone Call..

The phone rang ..

your voice was on the other side..
how it brought back so  many memories ..
how is was such an unforgettable summer ..
how my heart breaks a little when I hear your name ..

It all came flashing by ..
Your smile ..your eyes .. your words..
how every single move you did meant something ..
The way we used to stay up all night .. talk about silly things ..and laugh till the sunlight ..
how your shoulder was the best place for my head ..
and the way you stole my heart .. I loved you with every single bit of me ..

And how I cried so much when you left ..
how Your smell stayed on that jacket .. and the fact that I wore it for months ..
how we used to have our endless phone calls although you were thousand of miles away ..
distance didn't break us apart , it brought us closer ..
I miss you ..
I admit it ... I miss everything about you ..
I don't know what was going on through my head when I let you walk away ..
I say it again .. I  miss you so much ..

I wish I can just repeat that summer all over again , but differently .. by never letting you go ..
we talked for an hour ..
we haven't talked for a long time ..
All our memories came flashing by ..
I wanted to say a million things , but my heart stopped me ..

Its been two years now , I am sure you found someone new ..
I just want you to know ..
That even if we both find our special ones , and go in our separate ways ..
your memory will always be tattooed in my head ..

I don't know what will happen when I see you again..
Act like everything is okay , although I am burning inside ..
or run towards you and hold you in my arms ?

I pray to god that I don't see you..
because I don't know if my heart can tolerate holding you inside of it and then having to let you go..
So,till that day comes ..
I lay my head down ..
and ..
Remember that summer..

Lost

Tired...

Shivering...

Filled with fear...

How can I not be when I am in this huge forest filled with scary voices?

I am exhausted from shouting, from running...

And all I hear is my own eco...

They tell me that it's going to be okay...

That it's just life testing you and seeing how patient and strong you are...

Well, I don’t think I can tolerate it anymore...

I've been waiting for you and all I get is my own eco's and my own shadow...

While all I have been waiting was your voice and your presence to be my shadow...

No, I am not okay...

And how can u say what's wrong when nothing is right?

I keep pressing replay on that song...

How the lyrics take me to another place...

How it just makes my body shiver and my eyes filled with painful tears...

When will I get out of this??

When will I leave this forest I seemed to be lost in and cannot find my way back...

Cannot find my way back to you...

When will I wake up to your smile??

When will you tell me that everything is going to be okay when the whole world turns its back on me?

I am so lost...

I am caught in the middle between here and there...

Should I go back?

Or should I stay here??

Why are you making me go through all this hardship??

Why don’t you just come ,, and save me from all this world I am in ??

I wake up with hope...

That you will return...

I sleep with prayers...

That god will answer them and bring you to me as soon as I open my eyes in the morning ..
I want to spend winter with you, get wet in the rain... and sleep in the warmth of your arms...

I want to spend every season with you and enjoy the beauty of each one...

And have our names carved once each season passes...

To remind us that our love never changes while seasons do...

I have never felt so helpless. .

 Lost...

 Sleep deprived...

My heart is worn out...

It's handling so much right now that it's so close to becoming completely numb …

So...

All I have to do is wait...

Until my prayers are answered...

My heart is healed...

My eyes are cured...

My body is warm...

And no longer lost...