Afraid ..

I look at you with fear ..
I looks at your last movements..
I look at you without any words to say ..

Speechless .. Or my mouth is numb that it can't describe it in words..
There you are .. right in front of me ..and I can't say a single word ..

I am leaving ..
with so many things to say ..
with so many things to tell you ..
but , with a lot of fear , I don't say word..
I don't want to get hurt again..
I am afraid you will kill me again with your harsh words..
I am afraid to tell you that I am leaving ..
and you would just look at me and walk away ..

without a single move..
Leaving me with nothing at all ..

If  I could just read your eyes ..
everything would have been solved ..
I can't ..
reading you needs super powers..and I don't have any ..

I am telling you now ..
and as I type those words down ..
I will truly miss you ..
I will leave ..
to another place ..
and go find myself again..
I feel so lost that I can't remember who I am anymore..
all I did was give and give while I was the one in need ..

Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving ..
I don't know how to look you in the eye without saying a word..
I don't know how to leave without saying goodbye..
that's if you even care that I am leaving ..

I guess there is nothing to do but look at you ..
and my eyes will do the rest..

And just walk away..

Saja's Writings 

You Got What I Need - Joshua Radin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=XgaksJ7bezQ



Absolutely Amazing !!!!

Leaving ..

I turn the volume up ..
My heart starts beating so fast ..
memories come flashing by so fast ..
My head was so tired with  a million thoughts , a million pictures , a million memories running inside of it ..
I want to just lay down and dream ..
forget about the whole world outside ..
and dream of a world of me and you ..
Wow..so peaceful , so beautiful , so pure .. and so new ..

Time is ticking and I will have to say my goodbyes ..
I cant tolerate it ..
I cant leave all of this behind ..
As much as I wanted to leave ..
it suddenly feels scary ..

I don't know what I am doing ..
I also don't know if its the right thing to do ..
but sometimes you just have to let go  .. move on .. and look ahead instead of breaking your neck and looking backwards ..

Where are you to watch my back ?
and make me forget about this all ..
I just can't wait to see you ..
cause when I do .. All of this wont matter ..
everything in this world wouldn't matter ..
My ultimate joy would be .. You ..
what else do I want ??

I will leave everything behind and wait for you ..
Pray every night ..
ask god to bring you to me ..
I lost a lot of hope ..
But the hope of being with you and holding you in my arms is still there ..

Nothing is the same without you ..
Absolutely Nothing ..

Waiting ..

That lonely chair in the middle of the beautiful park filled with green trees 

and yellow leaves that had fallen from the cold beautiful soothing wind ..

Tired of running from the past and my fears I sat down to take a deep breath and just gaze into the beauty of the green trees and listen to the birds singing and the beautiful silence of the wind..brushing through my face ..

I tried to hide my pain , and my tears were racing each other to fall down ..

I didn’t wanna show it ,, I didn’t want anyone to know I'm in pain ..

I am strong , and I can do this ! I am not weak ! and I never was !

my tears couldn’t tolerate the pain … my heart was in pain .. wanting to rip itself out of my body and leave me heartless..

My tears rushed down my face unintentionally and my heart started beating fast

I started to cry so loud that the trees felt my pain .. and they bent down their branches to comfort me ..

People were walking by as if I didn't exist ..

My eyes became so red , I tried to wipe away my tears but they kept coming down ..

What should I do ??

I am here all alone without you , a total mess.. a total lost person ..

come back and give me all the hope that I can have ,,

come and hold my hand and wipe away my tears with your soft hands that can cure my pain come and put ur hand on my heart and heal it with your unconditional love ..

I wish you were here .. I don't want anything in this world but you ..

Nothing and no one matters to me  but you ..

I promise that I will never push you away or let  you go ..

You’re my wings to a better life and a better world ..

You're my wake up call to reality ..

I gaze into the dark blue sky wishing and praying you come behind me ..

Wrap your arms around me and take me to a different place ..

That’s all I wanted that moment , nothing else ..

I'm still here..

Waiting .. hoping .. praying that you will come to me ..

And set me free.

Speechless

Speechless ..

I felt ..

My emotions aren't there anymore ..

I guess my heart went into a frozen phase ..  or it actually stopped beating ..

No words ..  

its like my mouth was paralyzed and couldn't bear to say a word ..

I was tired physically and mentally ..                 

My legs couldn’t even carry me anymore ..

I could barely get up in the morning , get in the shower to erase some pain away , but nothing was gone ..

It was all glued to my body and buried under my skin ..

Wear any pair of jeans and a shirt and just head out of the house ..

Get in my car ,, turn on the radio , and there goes my heart telling me to stop ..

That it cannot tolerate any kind of pain or disappointments ..

My tears started to fall down ..

What's happening ??

Why am I on this road alone ??

My heart started to beat slowly and I could barely breathe ..

I pulled over , looked at my shirt ..

There it was .. blood all over my shirt ..

My heart was crying from the pain ..

I pressed upon my chest to stop the bleeding ..but no use ..

I put my head on the steering wheel and started to scream your name ..

Where are you ??? where are you to save my heart from bleeding ???

I waited and waited .. I was losing my voice , my blood and control

I stepped out of the car ..

Started to walk , and blood was dripping behind me leaving a path ..

A path of pain , of losing hope..

The sound of the wind crashes through my ears ..

I started to run ..

And look around me ..

For a shadow of you ..

For the sound of your voice ..

For a memory ..

For footsteps to follow..

My body was losing too much blood..

I started to slow down..

Laid down on the ground..

I didn't know what to do or where to go , or who to turn to..

I was all alone in this dark lonely place..

You promised me you will come back ..

The fact that my heart was holding on to that all this time killed it..

It was like a bullet to my head ..

To my heart ..

I laid down ..

Couldn’t move a single muscle ..

Started to cry ..

Where are you ??

Where have you been all this time ??

I need you ..

Need your name to carve on my body ..

And your smell to nourish me..

and your hands to fill in the spaces between my fingers..

The sound of you calling my name to nurture my ears..

I need all of you and nothing but you ..

I thought I could survive ..

I thought that I can make it ..

But I was mistaken all this time ..

I need you ..

I ask for you in every single prayer ..

I pray for you every single night ..

And I want to wake up one day..

And just find you here .. by my side..

I stayed there on the ground ..

Laying down ..

Smoked my last cigarette ..

Closed my eyes..

And slept ..

Hoping some of my pain will heal when I wake up

 
Saja's Writings